


you are a colorful fantasy

by bbeanseu



Series: you, me, the world // soulmate au [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23838793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbeanseu/pseuds/bbeanseu
Summary: Sanghyuk realizes, with several conflicting waves of emotion, that he and Hakyeon are close enough to touch. Close enough that Sanghyuk can feel the heat radiating off Hakyeon’s skin in waves.His heart is pounding, and he wonders if Hakyeon can feel it.;or: in which everything is black and white until you meet your soulmate, and hakyeon isn't his but sanghyuk really doesn't mind.
Relationships: Cha Hakyeon | N/Han Sanghyuk | Hyuk, Kim Wonshik | Ravi/Lee Hongbin
Series: you, me, the world // soulmate au [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1717738
Comments: 20
Kudos: 27





	you are a colorful fantasy

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [i can't say](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11637858) by [rivernyx (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/rivernyx). 



> clarification time nsndj
> 
> so some time ago i used to write under "rivernyx" but then i had a meltdown and deleted my account ksjjs :)) so i orphaned most of my stuff and didn't look back.
> 
> except i did, recently, because i remembered how much i love this au (it is my baby and i promised myself i'd finish it) and here we are. new. improved? debatable.
> 
> anyways point is i didn't steal it sjjsjs just to get that out of the way!! im a bit proud of this ngl. the og fic is linked above, tho i don't really recommend reading it anymore. esp if you're just reading this n don't want spoilers
> 
> anyways that's enough rambling!! enjoy the ride everyone!!
> 
> title is a line from taekwoon's Romanticism
> 
> general cw: a couple of breakdowns and some gorey imagery. no actual violence!! just my similes getting away from me.

The studio is quiet, and Sanghyuk is all alone.

He stares at his reflection in the mirror as he moves to the beat of the music. He stares at the bags under his eyes, the paleness of his skin, the way his hair sticks out in every direction. His limbs are heavy like he’s being dragged down by a hundred invisible stones but he keeps dancing, ignoring the sweat rolling down his face and the ache in his muscles and the exhaustion in his bones.

The music ends.

Sanghyuk sinks to his knees on the floor, breath shallow and hands shaky and eyes fluttering shut. His ears are ringing. His lungs are on fire. He probably stinks of sweat.

“You’re getting really good at this.”

Sanghyuk raises his head. He opens his eyes and he’s met with the image of Hakyeon standing over him with an a rm outstretched, and the sight of it snatches all the air from his lungs. Sanghyuk forces a smile and takes the hand Hakyeon’s holding out for him. 

His first thought is:  _ how long have you been standing there? _

His second thought is:  _ you liked it?  _ And he feels the heat of a blush creeping up his cheeks.

“I’ll be better than you soon,” he says instead.

“You wish,” Hakyeon snorts. He’s smiling, though, and the smile makes something warm bloom in the pit of Sanghyuk’s stomach. The hand wrapped around his is hot, fingers burning a brand onto Sanghyuk’s skin. He lets Hakyeon pull him up. He lets himself sway where he’s standing for a moment, grasping Hakyeon’s shoulder for support.

“Care for a dance?” Sanghyuk blurts out.

And time seems to stop. There’s a tension in the air— a tension he can’t understand, a tension he’s scared of— that he can cut like butter with a hot knife. Sanghyuk wants to die. Or disappear. Or sink into the Earth and be suffocated by the dirt until he breathes his last. Or violently tear himself from Hakyeon, buy a plane ticket to New Zealand, change his name, and never show himself to anyone ever again.

He does none of this, only stands there like a goddamn idiot as his heart drops and a very realistic scenario of Hakyeon denouncing their friendship, telling him he doesn’t ever want to see Sanghyuk’s face ever again, and leaving the studio only to bump into his soulmate outside and riding out with them into the sunset with them plays out before his eyes.

Hakyeon laughs, lilting and musical, and the sound of it breaks Sanghyuk out of his nightmare. “Alright, Sanghyuk.”

Even more blood rushes to his cheeks. “Alright.”

Hakyeon steps a little to the side so he can have some space to warm up, and Sanghyuk uses that time to fumble with his phone, picking out a song to play on the tiny Bluetooth speaker it’s connected to. He makes sure to flash Hakyeon a smug grin once the music starts, even when every stretch of his limbs make his muscles cry out with pain. His calves and thighs feel like bursting with every step he takes. He can barely lift his feet.

But he keeps his eyes on Hakyeon, trying to burn with determination instead of exhaustion. He trains his gaze on Hakyeon’s every move. On his neck when he tilts his head back. On the lithe movements of his limbs and the way his hair snaps back and forth as he moves. Hakyeon dances like water. Like lightning. Like a ribbon waving in the wind.

When they’re finished, Sanghyuk is on the verge of collapse again. He heaves in several deep breath to refill his empty lungs. Fresh beads of sweat is rolling down the nape of his neck. It feels disgusting. Sanghyuk wipes it off with the palm of his hand before looking up.

Sanghyuk realizes, with several conflicting waves of emotion, that he and Hakyeon are close enough to touch. Close enough that Sanghyuk can feel the heat radiating off Hakyeon’s skin in waves.

His heart is pounding, and he wonders if Hakyeon can feel it.

If he can, Hakyeon will probably blame it on the dancing. Hakyeon will probably fuss. Hakyeon will probably ignore the possibility that his heart is pounding partially because he is so close, close enough that Sanghyuk could literally just lean in and kiss him, and— and if this keeps up the sheer speed and intensity of his heart rate would make his insides combust.

He really should have thought this through.

He really should have thought, period.

But Hakyeon isn’t pulling away, so it’s— fine, he supposes. This is okay. They're justㅡ they're just two friends in a dance studio in the middle of the night, and Sanghyuk hasn't crossed a line written in the proverbial sand quite yet. He blinks his eyes into focus, and the first thing he sees is Hakyeon's lips.

They're light, and they look soft, and right now Hakyeon's mouth is curled into a smirk and Sanghyuk steps back before the thought of kissing him makes him do something he’ll regret. “We should head home.”

_ Home, _ he thinks, and not just a cramped little apartment that he shares with two other people.

_ Home _ , because his mother has always told him that home is where the heart is and that’s where his heart is. With Hakyeon, Sanghyuk sitting on a golden platter, for him to do with whatever he pleases.

“Yeah,” Hakyeon says. “You look exhausted.”

“So do you,” Sanghyuk says back.

“I feel exhausted.”

Hakyeon runs a hand through his dark hairㅡ damp with sweat, a few stray locks sticking to his skinㅡ and dusts imaginary dirt off his clothes. Sanghyuk’s mouth isn’t dry. His heart isn’t running a marathon inside his ribs. He isn’t staring.

The grass is yellow and the sky is red and Sanghyuk is full of bullshit.

Hakyeon walks off first, and Sanghyuk watches him go. He stops by the door and holds it open for Sanghyuk, eyebrows raised, smiling, and Sanghyuk closes his eyes again.

Then he opens them, and he’s met with the same black and white his world has always been.

Grass is gray.

The sky is a different shade of gray. 

Hakyeon isn’t his soulmate.

Sanghyuk swallows a scream and follows Hakyeon outside.

* * *

The thing about life is that it isn’t  _ fair. _

Sanghyuk knows this. He learned this three years ago, the first time he set his eyes on who may as well be the most beautiful person in the world.

And Hakyeon isn’t his soulmate. He’s known this since Day 1. He’s known this since the days when falling in love with Hakyeon had just been a joke, an impossibility, a quick and sarcastic quip. He’s known this ever since Cha Hakyeon said “ _ Good morning, Hyukkie,” _ with a plateful of burnt waffles waiting for him on the table and Sanghyuk had felt his heart flutter and thought,  _ Oh, fuck _ .

So why does he still close his eyes every time Hakyeon is in his line of sight, hoping it would burst with color the moment he opens them?

Why does he still feel the same cold, bitter disappointment squeeze in his chest every time he opens his eyes and sees black and white?

* * *

_ 18:03 PM _

_ rabean just posted! _

_ [BLANK TITLE] _

_ 18:00 KST _

> _ tw: mentions of suicide _
> 
> _ h _ _ ey, everyone. how are you doing? have you been drinking water and eating well? getting lots of sleep? _
> 
> _ tonight’s post is a little (read: a lot) heavier than usual. sorry. we know all of you prefer the shitpost-y wholesome content. we’ll get right back to that soon. right now’s just a small exception. _
> 
> _ we’re sure everyone’s heard. suicide rates have been rising recently. it’s all over the news and the experts are saying it’s because more and more people have been falling in love with people who aren’t their soulmates. or have been losing their soulmates this way. _
> 
> _ bean and i are luckier than most, but a lot of that happiness comes with a lot of baggage as well. there’s a lot of guilt. a lot of insecurity. it wasn’t easy at first. it isn’t easy even now, and neither of us think it will ever be. _
> 
> _ if you for any reason are contemplating suicide, please talk to someone. anyone. don’t throw your life away. seek help. we can’t say that it will get better, but we can say that it can get better. it’s easier said than done and we can’t really do anything to stop you. but if not for yourself, do it for the people who love you and that yo will affect. do it for the soulmate you haven’t found, or the person you’re yet to fall in love with. _
> 
> _ you deserve to be happy. you deserve to live and to love and be loved. _
> 
> _ and you are loved. _
> 
> _ if you don’t have anyone to talk to, hongbin and i are always here, and so is the rest of the community. _
> 
> _ remember that you matter. _
> 
> _ \- Ravi _

_ Read comments… _

* * *

Sanghyuk’s cursor hovers over the [Reach out to us!] button on the top-right corner of the page, right next to the [Share your thoughts!] one that led to the blog’s public message board. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, and Hakyeon fills the blank expanse beneath his eyelids, his musical voice echoing in the vacuum of Sanghyuk’s ears.

He opens his eyes and glares at the button.

“Come on, Sanghyuk,” he mutters to himself, “Grow some balls.”

He raises his finger over the left mouse button, taking another deep breath. Clicks.

There’s a click of a key sliding into the lock. Sanghyuk has never shut the browser off faster, feeling embarrassingly like an adolescent boy who'd been five seconds away from getting caught watching hentai on the family computer. He winces when his muscles sting at the abrupt movement. Sanghyuk swivels around, just in time to see Hakyeon stepping in, hands full of groceries. Sanghyuk’s already standing up and moving towards him, trying not to grimace at how every little thing  _ burns _ when he so much as twitches. He grabs one of the bags before Hakyeon can say anything, and for half a second their hands brush as Sanghyuk wraps his fingers around the handle. He freezes.

“Taking that,” he says, clearing his throat, and then he’s pulling his hand from Hakyeon’s like it had burned him.

Hakyeon smiles. “You’re the best, Hyukkie.”

Sanghyuk’s stomach suddenly feels like lead. “Careful, hyung,” he says, forcing his tone to stay light. “Any more than that and I might fall for you.”

Hakyeon laughs.

Sanghyuk’s stomach constricts. He tightens his grip around the plastic bag and beelines straight to the kitchen, concentrating on nothing more but putting away the groceries. He ignores the pinpricks crawling underneath his skin that are starting to spread.

Milk goes in the fridge. Banana for Hakyeon. Almond for himself. They thud faintly as he places them on the kitchen counter. Rice goes in the cabinets. So do the ramen.

“Hyukkie!” Jaehwan cries, footsteps sounding loudly against the wooden panels of the floor, door clicking shut behind him. Sanghyuk acknowledges the greeting with a wave of his hand, looking over his shoulder with a small smile.

“Hey, hyung,” he says, before returning to sorting out the groceries.

“You need help with that?” he hears Jaehwan ask.

“No need,” Hakyeon says. “Sanghyuk helped.”

Sanghyuk can feel his ears prickling with heat. “It's fine,” he insists, taking out cans of soup and packets of vegetables. Cabinets, again, then the chiller. He does not look at Jaehwan, even when he can feel the unsettling crawl of Jaehwan's gaze like chilling pinpricks running up his spine.

“Oh?” Jaehwan says, and Sanghyuk can hear the raised eyebrows, the cheeky grin on his face. Sanghyuk whips his head around and sends him an icy glare. Jaehwan ignores it.

“Shut up, hyung,” he scowls. His face is burning. Jaehwan mimes a zipping motion over his mouth and winks. Sanghyuk flashes him the finger.

Hakyeon sighs. “Don’t be a brat, Sanghyuk.”

Hakyeon’s walking towards him. Sanghyuk promptly goes back to the groceries, pretending not to notice that Hakyeon’s beside him now. When Hakyeon grabs a packet of ramyeon that Sanghyuk was about to take, their hands brush once again. 

Sanghyuk jerks. “Ah. You don’t need to—”

“It’s fine.” Hakyeon waves a hand in the air. “You still look pretty tired. Don’t strain yourself.”

“I’m fine,” Sanghyuk mutters under his breath, stepping back. His cheeks are hot. He wipes his hands over his pajama pants and gathers the boxes of milk into his arms, walking over to the fridge. “Jaehwan-hyung! Stop lazing around!”

He doesn’t look back at Hakyeon. His and Jaehwan's eyes meet, and Sanghyuk answers the question in his eyes with a tight purse of the lips and a shake of his head.

He can still feel the light touch of Hakyeon’s skin on his, tingling on the back of his hand.

* * *

“Do you guys ever think about soulmates?”

The words are leaving his mouth before he can even think about it, while the three of them are gathered in a small circle and playing Uno.

Jaehwan’s looking at him again, he can feel it. It's not even teasing anymoreㅡ and he'd take the inappropriate comments and winks that Jaehwan thinks is subtle in a heartbeat over the concern, the silent disapproval, the  _ pity _ , that he can feel in Jaehwan's gaze right now.

Sanghyuk hates it. It makes his blood curdle. It makes bile rise up his throat. So he does what everybody would do and ignores him.

“What's with this talk?” Hakyeon asks, lifting an eyebrow. His smile is teasing as he leans over the pillow on his lap and closer to Sanghyuk. “Have you met yours, Hyukkie?”

Sanghyuk rolls his eyes. “Just answer the damn question.”

There's nothing but silence, for a few beats.

“Soulmates are overrated!” Jaehwan announces, the theatrics in his voice doing wonders to the awkward atmosphere. “Unless it's Kim Seokjin then what's the point!”

Sanghyuk muffles his laughter into the palm of his hand. He turns his head and sees that Hakyeon's smiling at both of them, fond amusement glittering in his eyes, before focusing back on the game.

Sanghyuk thinks his heart just did a whole ice skating routine.

“What about you, Hakyeon-hyung?”

Sanghyuk winces inwardly the moment he hears his own words. Maybe he's some kind of masochist. He doesn't know. But he braves his way past the embarrassment and keeps his face expectant.

Hakyeon doesn't miss a beat.

“I think I'd like to meet mine,” he says, sifting through his hand of cards. His elbows are digging into the pillow. “I can't even imagine it. The way it must feel.”

The small smile hidden behind his hand is almost dreamy.

It's a struggle not to breathe in sharply, and Hakyeon's words sting but at least he's honest. 

“We get it, hyung,” Sanghyuk says, forcing his lips into a playful grin, even as he feels his heart being torn into two. “You're a sappy romantic.”

And Sanghyuk can still feel Jaehwan staring at him, eyes filled with ugly things, like worry and sadness and things he shouldn't feel on Sanghyuk's account because it's stupid, Jaehwan's stupid, and Sanghyuk doesn't need his pity. The weight of Jaehwan's gaze burning holes into the side of his skull makes him want to scream.

Hakyeon makes a face as he puts down a  _ block _ card, labeled  _ red _ , laughing and holding the pillow up as a protective barrier when Jaehwan cries out in protest and starts hitting him.

Sanghyuk looks at themㅡ at Hakyeon, especially, and the way he seems to glow when he laughs, the way he looks at Sanghyuk for help, mirth obvious in his eyes, makes pain jolt momentarily in his heart.

He quickly puts a  _ Reverse _ card down on the pile, biting back a grin when Hakyeon sees it. “Yah!” shouts Hakyeon, hitting him with the pillow, and Sanghyuk finds it in himself to laugh.

Through crinkled eyes and the pleasant, phantom warmth wrapping around him he can almostㅡ pretend.

“What about you, Sanghyuk?” Hakyeon asksㅡ and the question nearly makes him freeze in his tracks. He opens his mouth to respond.

_ I don't need a soulmate _ , Sanghyuk wants to say, heart skipping, eyes locked on Hakyeon and Hakyeon alone.  _ Not when there's you.  _

“Not really,” he says instead, unsure with how he feels about the all-too-easy way the lie rolls off his tongue. “I think about them as much as everyone does, I guess. At least I can play this game properly if we meet.” And if Sanghyuk’s laughter when he laughs along with them is a little less genuine than theirs, then, well, nobody has to know.

Sanghyuk wins in the endㅡ he looks at all of them with a victorious grin on his face, his arms smugly crossed over his chest. 

“You totally cheated,” Jaehwan accuses him.

“Did not,” Sanghyuk says, feeling childlike despite being old enough to drink, and the high from his victory is almost enough to drown out the pang in his chest that never goes away.

* * *

The thing isㅡ

The thing is that there'd been a time in Sanghyuk's life when he hadn't actually dreaded meeting his soulmate. 

He'd listen to his mother talk about it with his eyes wide in wonder as she tucked him into bed, murmuring about how one day he'll meet someone special. Someone who would paint the grays and blacks and whites of his dreary world with the colors he'd only seen as labelsㅡ as useless, meaningless clumps of letters.

The thing is that he used to stare up at starry skies and wish, and wish, and wishㅡ

And now.

And now he can't even look up at the stars anymore, because the reminder of each and every dream he'd whispered into the night feels like a cruel joke, a reminder that wishes are real, wishes can't be real, and if they were he wouldn't be in this utter shithole of a situation right now, andㅡ

And Sanghyuk can't help it. 

Sometimes he still wishes. 

* * *

The blinds are thrown open, hot sunlight streaming through the windows, drowning everything in bright white. Sanghyuk hisses, throwing his sheets over his head. “Hyung!”

“Get up, Sanghyuk!” Hakyeon says in an almost sing-song voice. “It's a bright and beautiful day. And nearly eleven. Sleeping in this late isn't healthy.”

“It's Saturday. Give me a break,” Sanghyuk whines, not daring to roll over because every little movement makes his muscles ache.

“I have.”

“Go bother Jaehwan.”

“He's out. It's eleven, Hyukkie.”

Sanghyuk groans and surrenders to the urge to roll over, so that he's lying on his stomach, face pressed against the pillow. He winces.

“I feel like death.”

There's a shift of weight on the bed. Sanghyuk tries not to tense when he hears Hakyeon sigh, when he feels Hakyeon's hands lightly gripping the edge of his blanket. He tugs it lower, so that it isn't covering all of Sanghyuk anymore. “You shouldn't have stayed up so late, then.”

Then Hakyeon's hands are pressed against Sanghyuk's back, near his shoulders, applying pressure on the muscles in vague, circular patterns. 

“I was practicing,” Sanghyuk mutters into his pillow, trying to ignore the way his cheeks heat up. 

“I didn't say _exhaust_ _yourself_.” Hakyeon's still kneading the tense knots around his shoulders. “That help?”

Sanghyuk mumbles incoherently, mouth full of cotton.

“Up,” Hakyeon says several moments later, pulling awayㅡ and Sanghyuk misses the light pressure against his muscles already, misses the heat of Hakyeon's skin that he can feel past the fabric of his shirt. “Come on.” And then he's pulling the blanket off and dragging Sanghyuk to his feet, and Sanghyuk groans in protest but he can't quite fight back, not when his every instinct is to melt into the warmth of Hakyeon's arms.

His cheeks burn up, and he pulls away. He does it almost too harshly, ignoring the flicker of pain in Hakyeon's eyes and the spark of guilt in his chest. “I'm fine, I can walk by myself.”

Hakyeon huffs and puts his hands on his hips, but then he's shaking his head and walking out of the bedroom.

Sanghyuk once again pays no mind to the dejection and guilt bubbling inside him. It's easier to ignore once can smell the scent of pancakes wafting into his nose all the way from the kitchen, and he finds that he can't suppress his grin as he follows Hakyeon out of the room. Hakyeon's marching determinedly, but Sanghyuk doesn't think he's mad. “How'd the kitchen not burn down?”

“Oh ye of little faith,” Hakyeon sighs dramatically, but when he looks over his shoulder and meets Sanghyuk's eyes for a fraction of a second, he's grinning back.

They quickly slide into their casual banter, the small incident earlier easily pushed back to the recesses of their memory, and the familiarity and ease of it makes Sanghyuk feel warm and fuzzy.

It shouldn't feel special. Sanghyuk shouldn't read too much into things that two close friends would normally do.

And it shouldn't matter at all, the way Hakyeon smiles when they talk, or that Hakyeon goes out of his way to make Sanghyuk happy, or that Hakyeon clings to him too easily, draping a casual arm around his shoulder or brushing bangs out of his face or kissing him on the cheek and on his forehead because that's just how Hakyeon  _ is. _

And yet.

And yet it does matterㅡ to Sanghyukㅡ because those little moments are all he has, and those little moments are the stitching that keeps his heart together after being torn apart again and again andㅡ

He's only setting himself to get his heart broken at this point, but he can't find it in himself to care. 

They sit at the breakfast bar, where Hakyeon proudly presents him with a plateful of pancakes. Pancakes that even Sanghyuk has to admit look pretty good. His stomach groans in longing as he stares at his breakfast. “I don't know, hyung,” he says despite himself, “Food poisoning's a real thing.”

“Have some respect!” Hakyeon scowls, whacking him lightly on the side of his head. Sanghyuk only grins and stuffs a piece of the pancakes in his mouth.

Sanghyuk chews and swallows and keeps eating, relieved that the food more than agrees with his taste buds this time. Hakyeon starts eating too, looking pleased with himself at the fact that Sanghyuk seems to be enjoying his food, but Sanghyuk knows in his heart that even if the food did taste like shit he'd still gladly eat them anyway.

Because Hakyeon cooked them, for  _ him _ . 

For  _ them _ . 

And there's a strange intimacy in the act that Sanghyuk doesn't think he knows how to face. A feeling that probably shouldn't leave Sanghyuk asㅡ giddy as he feels, but Jesus Christ, it does.

He doesn't scarf the food down like he wants to, partly because he doesn't want Hakyeon to berate him for eating too fast. Partly because he doesn't want to appear as eager as he feels.

“Wow,” he says after a few bites, widening his eyes for dramatic effect. “These are actually good.”

“I know they are. I made them. Don't talk with your mouth full.”

But Hakyeon looks so proud when he says that, so pleased, and it makes happiness swell up in Sanghyuk's chest.

They go to the park later in the day. Sanghyuk doesn't know why, really, but he isn't complaining, and they end up walking down a stone pathway lined with grass and flowerbeds, holding packs of bread and cones of quickly-melting ice cream in their hands.

“Isn't it a nice day,” Hakyeon is saying, a contented smile on his face that makes Sanghyuk's heart skip several beats. “The flowers are blooming. The leaves are green. The water's clearㅡ”

“Hyung, we can't see any of those,” Sanghyuk reminds him.

Hakyeon waves a hand dismissively. “Semantics.”

Sanghyuk wouldn't mind never seeing those colors. He wouldn't mind spending his life gazing at Hakyeon through monochrome lenses, if it always meant moments like these.

They go over the pond and feed bread to the ducks, and sometimes Sanghyuk pelts chunks of bread at their little duck heads and watches as they bob underneath the water only to pop back up, water sliding off their glossy feathers. He finds himself giggling every timeㅡ it never gets oldㅡ and Hakyeon chides him softly when he does that, but even then Sanghyuk can hear the soft laughter in his voice.

It's not until they're finished feeding the ducks that Hakyeon says, “I read we're not supposed to feed them bread.”

He's frowning thoughtfully, looking somewhat regretful. Sanghyuk can't help the way his heart warms up; he smiles, popping the last of his ice cream cone into his mouth. 

“Maybe we can buy something else next time,” he says, and God, those wordsㅡ  _ next time _ . The words make his chest ache.

It isn't a date, Sanghyuk tells himself.

He also really wishes it was. 

“We should,” Hakyeon nods, turning away from the ducks to look at him. “Oh. You've got ice cream on your face.”

Sanghyuk's face heats up. He swipes at his cheeks, and judging from the barely repressed amusement in Hakyeon's expression, he'd missed. Sanghyuk tries again. Hakyeon sighs, “You know what, never mindㅡ”

And then his hand is around Sanghyuk's wrist, warm and comforting, bringing Sanghyuk's arm down. Sanghyuk's heart rate has started to spikeㅡ againㅡ not that it really ever goes down whenever Hakyeon is involved, and he wonders if Hakyeon can feel the way his blood is pulsing in his wrist, underneath Hakyeon's fingers.

“I can do it,” Sanghyuk says, and when his voice doesn't break he thanks whatever deity there is above. But Hakyeon's already wiping the ice cream off of Sanghyuk's cheeks with the pad of his thumb, gently like he's afraid Sanghyuk will crumble underneath the slightest pressure.

Sanghyuk thinks he actually will crumble, thank you very much.

If Hakyeon can feel the skin underneath his fingers burn he doesn't say a word.

“That's better,” Hakyeon says. His eyes are burning, staring deep into Sanghyuk's own, and Sanghyuk can feel his breath hitch. “You're a mess, Hyukkie.”

“You're a mess,” Sanghyuk retorts, because he's mature.

The sun sets over the distant clouds, casting shadows and painting the skies a darker gray. It's dumb, because they're in a scenic place, staring at each other's eyes, and Sanghyuk thinks it would be a million times prettier if he can see colors but that thing is that he  _ can't _ andㅡ

And it's tragically romantic. The irony isn't lost on him, and it's almost hilarious, in the most morbid of ways.

“It's getting late,” Hakyeon says. “Do you wanna head back?”

Sanghyuk doesn't want to go. Sanghyuk wants to stay here. He'd stay here in this moment for forever if he could.

“Yeah,” is what comes out of his lips, choking past his throat. “We should go.”

Hakyeon frowns. “Are you okay? Are you cold?”

“I'm fine, hyung,” Sanghyuk says, even if the warmth from earlier has faded into a chill.

Hakyeon just rolls his eyes and puts his hoodie around Sanghyuk's shoulders.

And Sanghyuk hates it, because he doesn't understand why Hakyeon has to be like this. So nice, so thoughtful, so  _ easy  _ to fall in love with.

But Sanghyuk loves it, nevertheless. 

* * *

_ Blogger couple takes the world by a storm! _

_ Blogger couple “Ravi” and “Bean” may be the first non-soulmate couple to be openly out to the public. With a following of over twenty thousand people on their social media and nearly five hundred thousand reads on their blog, they serve as an inspiration to people everywhere. Their following, most especially, which is mostly if not solely comprised of people just like them. _

_ And never have we seen a couple so in love! Looking at them from an outsider's perspective, you would think they were soulmates! _

_ “We don't live without our ups and downs,” Ravi confided in an exclusive interview. “Every day is a challenge. We experience a lot of self-doubt and seem to second guess almost everything.” He had a somber smile on his face, but then he looked to Bean, glum expression turning into a smitten, dopey grin, before imparting a line that would make anybody swoon. “But sometimes some things are worth it, like love.” _

_ Onscreen we saw Bean swat at Ravi's side, groaning before turning to the camera. “I'm sorry about him,” he said. “He's a sap.” But even the low quality of the webcam wasn't enough to hinder the stars in his eyes as he gazed at his boyfriend. _

_ “Do you have anything to say? Any advice?” _

_ Bean nodded. “Communication is always key,” he said. “Ravi and I don't have any secrets between us, and we always make sure to talk about our problems.” _

_ When asked about their love story, Ravi was quick to respond…  _

_ [Read more!] _

* * *

_ From:  _ [ _ hshyogie@gmail.com _ ](mailto:hshyogie@gmail.com)

_ To:  _ [ _ ra_bean@gmail.com _ ](mailto:ra_bean@gmail.com)

_ Subject: help? _

> _ I don't know how likely it is that you'd respond to my message. You mentioned in a recent post that we could come to you if we had trouble concerning soulmates and I thought. Well, it was worth a shot. I understand that you're busy, of course!  _
> 
> _ It's not that I'm on the brink or anything!! It's just that sometimes it hurts a lot and it gets kind of overwhelming. I see him every day and I love every second of it but I can't help that I loathe every moment as well. And I guess I just want advice? Someone to talk to? I dunno, it's dumb.  _
> 
> _ Again, I'd understand if you won't respond. Even if you don't it's nice to have someone to express this to. You might never see this, but on the off chance that you do, at least I can be at peace knowing that you get it. Know what I mean? _
> 
> _ Anyways. I think that's all I really have to say.  _
> 
> _ -Hyuk.  _

* * *

It's three in the morning, and Sanghyuk is staring at the computer screen, at an email typed out and waiting to be sent to two complete strangers. It's a gamble, he knowsㅡ Sanghyuk is aware that, realistically speaking, it's not likely for his message to be seen at all, much less replied to. Ravi and Bean have thousands of followers. He's just one of them. A needle in a haystack. A star lost in the vastness of the galaxies. 

He leans back in his chair, staring up at the cracks in the ceiling. “What do I have to lose?”

The ceiling doesn't respond.

“That's right,” Sanghyuk says, straightening his posture. “Nothing!” And before he can second guess himself he's clicking on the blue _ Send  _ button. He stares at it intensely, fingers twitching to  _ delete _ ㅡ

But it's done. It's been sent. There's nothing he can do. The fact of the matter sinks in and regret washes over him like a tidal wave. He buries his face in his hands and screams into the skin of his palms.

Why had he done that?

Why had he  _ let _ himself?

Sanghyuk exhales sharply through his nose. This is fine. He is  _ fine _ . They won't ever see it. Sanghyuk can delete the email from his own outbox, and he can continue on pretending nothing had happened. This is what he tells himself, and this is exactly what he does before he goes back to bed, pulling his blanket over his ears.

Except when he wakes up the first thing he does is check his email, which is empty besides spam and worthless newsletters and Facebook notifications. Except when he goes about his dayㅡ through classes, and getting lunch with Jaehwan and Hakyeon, and going to practiceㅡ he finds himself fishing his phone out of his pocket to check the Gmail app.

Hakyeon's classes ran late that day, and Jaehwan's busy doing his art department stuff, so Sanghyuk finds himself alone in the flat for a few hours. It's almost embarrassing to admit that he spends most of that time on the couch, barely processing the movie since he keeps checking his phone every few minutes.

He hears the door open at around eight o’clock. Sanghyuk puts his phone aside, craning his head in the direction of the sound. “Hey.”

Hakyeon smiles and holds up a plastic bag, and the sight of him is enough to ease the anxiety in Sanghyuk's bones. He can feel the tension melting off of him. “Bought Chinese.”

“You're literally amazing,” Sanghyuk sighs, the honesty behind his words taking form as a lump in his throat, and he turns off the TV just for the sake of having something to do, before the illusion of domesticity can twist his thoughts around and make him forgetㅡ

“I know.”

Forget thatㅡ that it isn't real, that Sanghyuk has romanticized each and every interaction they've ever had, every glance they'd shared and every movie night they'd spent, and that those times when they'd cuddled on the sofa was only because Hakyeon's just Like That.

Affectionate and touchy and oblivious to the fact that Sanghyuk clung to those like a lifeline.

And it's Sanghyuk's fault, really. But he can't help it, as stupid as it is. He can't help the glimmer of hope that blossoms in his chest whenever Hakyeon rests his chin on the crook of Sanghyuk's shoulder, or makes breakfast for him, or stays up late just to talk to him until one of them falls asleep.

Sanghyuk checks his emails again, desperate for a distraction.

Hakyeon walks to the couch, boxes of takeout in his hands. He ruffles Sanghyuk's hair before he sits next to him and puts the food on the coffee table. He's warm. He's sidled up so close that their thighs are pressed together and Sanghyuk can feel his heart thundering already. Sanghyuk quickly locks his phone and puts it on the table. 

Hakyeon's looking at him, curious. “You've been checking that all day.”

“I haven't,” Sanghyuk says, opening his box. Hakyeon has bought his favorite, he thinks, unable to stop the small smile stretching across his lips. It isn't a big deal. Literally anyone would do it. The thought still gives him butterflies nevertheless.

“You have! Are you expecting something? Someone?”

“No!” Sanghyuk laughs. “Shut up!”

And then his phone buzzes right at that moment, screen lighting up with an email notification. Sanghyuk feels his heart skip.

But Hakyeon is giving him a meaningful look, which Sanghyuk ignores. He moves to shut his phone down even when he's itching to open it up, read whatever it had beenㅡ and turns his attention back to Hakyeon. “It's just spam. Stop looking at me like that!”

Hakyeon laughs past a mouthful of rice, hand over his mouth. “You're fun to tease, Hyukkie.”

The thought of Hakyeon teasing him about his love life leaves a bad taste in Sanghyuk’s mouth. He swallows. Forces himself to roll his eyes. “Whatever.”

Sanghyuk quickly changes the subject, and the topic is dropped, thankfullyㅡ and they spend the rest of the night like that. Talking, and laughing, Sanghyuk stealing glances when he's sure Hakyeon doesn't notice. 

Hakyeon's eyes crinkle when he laughs. His cheeks bunch up and his smile is bright and his laugh rings like music in Sanghyuk's ears, and with every second he spends in Hakyeon's company, Sanghyuk finds himself falling a little bit more. 

* * *

_ Re: help? _

_ From:  _ [ _ ra_bean@gmail.com _ ](mailto:ra_bean@gmail.com)

_ To:  _ [ _ hshyogie@gmail.com _ ](mailto:hshyogie@gmail.com)

> _ Hey! We read your email! We're glad you reached out to us :) _
> 
> _ And it's  _ _ not dumb at all. And we'd be happy to help(?) really. We'll try our best, even if we ourselves aren't sure how helpful we'd be. _
> 
> _ What is that you're dealing with right now? Only if you're comfortable sharing with us, of course. _
> 
> _ -ravi _
> 
> _ (ps if he sounds like a shrink forgive him. i tried to stage an intervention but i guess my ideas just aren't appreciated :] -b) _

* * *

Someone pinch Sanghyuk. He thinks he may be dreaming. His hands are shaking around his phone and he's burying his mouth in his pillows to at least muffle the ungodly noise that's threatening to tear out of his throat.

“Okay,” he breathes out, sitting up, putting his pillow on his lap and leaning forward on it. His response is typed out with shaking fingers, and he reads and rereads it over and over again to make sure he doesn't embarrass himself.

* * *

_ Re: Re: help _

_ From:  _ [ _ hshyogie@gmail.com _ ](mailto:hshyogie@gmail.com)

_ To:  _ [ _ ra_bean@gmail.com _ ](mailto:ra_bean@gmail.com)

> _ It's alright! To be honest I'm just surprised you actually replied. I think you'll be able to help; you were labeled as “an inspiration to people everywhere” after all, if I remember correctly. _

He sends it before he can regret it and he quickly locks his phone and puts it on the bedside table. He closes his eyes, drifting off into sleep, before he hears it vibrate against the hard surface.

Sanghyuk doesn't know how it happens, but they end up talking the entire night. He pours out his soul, all the feelings he's been trying to repress and lock away, comfortable behind the shroud of anonymity and the relief that he's able to talk to people who  _ get it. _

Somewhere during the night, they exchange Kakaos, if only because it was more convenient, and when Sanghyuk falls asleep that nightㅡ morning?ㅡ he feels like a bit of weight has been lifted from his shoulders, and for once his dreams aren't plagued with Hakyeon's eyes and Hakyeon's smile and the ache of what he wished could be.

* * *

“I think Sanghyuk is seeing someone,” Jaehwan declares. The two of them are in the small living room, Sanghyuk on one end of the couch and some of Jaehwan's upper half on the otherㅡ he's leaning back against the armrest, legs stretched out on the length of the sofa. His feet are on Sanghyuk's lap, even, because his legs are freakishly long.

Not that Sanghyuk can say anything about it; he's freakishly tall himself.

Jaehwan’s reading through a volume of the new Nancy Drew comics, and Sanghyuk’s busy with his phone as they wait for Hakyeon to finish up in the kitchen. He wiggles his toes to get Sanghyuk's attention, and Sanghyuk glances down at Jaehwan's socks with tiny Shiba Inus printed across the fabric before he's looking up from his phone. He sees that Jaehwan has put aside his comic book in favor of looking at him carefully. “Who is it? Who are you cheating with us on?”

“I'm not,” Sanghyuk rolls his eyes. His phone buzzes, but he doesn't pick it up just yet. “I think you're reading too much of that.”

Jaehwan gasps, turning defensive. “Nancy Drew is a queen and thus I will not stand for this slander.”

Sanghyuk lets out a fond laugh at his friend's dramatics, before takes his phone out once again and checks the notification. It's just a memeㅡ courtesy of Hongbin, since they were apparently on first name basis nowㅡ and Sanghyuk can't help the small laugh that makes its way past his lungs.

Jaehwan jumps off the couch and to his feet, pointing an accusatory finger at Sanghyuk. “See! That only proves my point!”

“I'm texting, big deal,” Sanghyuk gripes without any real heat, typing out a quick reply before putting his phone back in his pocket. But when he looks up at Jaehwan again, something has replaced the playful accusation in the older man's eyes. It's softer, rawer, and it makes something in Sanghyuk's stomach squirm.

“For the record,” Jaehwan says, voice soft enough for Sanghyuk to hear but too inaudible to be heard all the way in the kitchen, “I think it's good for you.”

Sanghyuk looks away. He can't handle it right now, can't handle Jaehwan constant knowing looks and  _ concern _ . The sight of it alone is enough to make the atmosphere in the room shift into something tenser. More serious. Sanghyuk forces a grin. “Thanks. I don't think I asked.”

And just like that the unreadable atmosphere is gone.

“Rude!” Jaehwan puts his hand over his heart, twisting his face into something between offense and heartbreak. “I'm older than you. You can't say that to me!”

“Doesn't feel like it sometimes,” Sanghyuk says, grinning when he hears Jaehwan’s indignant shout once again.

“Okay!” Hakyeon cuts in before they can get any louder, stepping into the living room with bowls full of chips and an armful of board games.

Jaehwan's pouting. “Hyung, he's disrespecting me. Tell him he can't do that.”

“You can't do that,” Hakyeon says to Sanghyuk, his face stern except for the smile threatening to break out of his lips. Sanghyuk wants to see it, wants to bask in the sunniness of that blinding smile. Because Hakyeon isnt a mind reader, he instead hits Sanghyuk on the side of his neck, making Sanghyuk wince. He glares at Hakyeon, but Hakyeon only ruffles his hair in response.

Sanghyuk tries not to stop glaring, even when the heat is rushing to his cheeks. He mostly succeeds.

When Hakyeon's hand retreats from where it was nestled in his hair, Sanghyuk immediately wants it back. The light pressure of it resting on his scalp had made him feel comforted. But then Hakyeon’s sitting next to him on the couch and leaning against Sanghyuk’s side, snacks and games on the floor next to their feet. “What were you two talking about?”

“Nothing,” Sanghyuk says, torn between melting into Hakyeon and pushing him away. He does neither and ends up sitting stiffly amd awkwardly. Hakyeon doesn’t seem to notice. 

“I think Sanghyuk may be having an affair,” Jaehwan says at the exact same time, his expression and tone completely serious. Sanghyuk chokes on his spit and glares at him.

“Oh?” Hakyeon asks, curiosity in his voice. Sanghyuk's insides twist.

“Yep,” Jaehwan nods, looking like he's piecing together a conspiracy theory. “You do see it, right? He keeps looking at his phone and smiling.”

“Hyungㅡ”

“I hate to say it but he's right,” Hakyeon says with a shrug, pulling back, and Sanghyuk tries not to feel the stinging disappointment, cold and ugly in the pit of his stomach. “You've been pretty attached to your phone lately. And I remember when you brought up all that soulmate talk…”

Hakyeon's smilingㅡ and it's sweet and supportive but it feels  _ wrong wrong wrong.  _ Sanghyuk knows it's selfish, but he can't help the way he feels something crawl under his skin at the sight of that smile. He can't help the way his stomach churns, can't help the way the words send a chilling pang streaking through Sanghyuk's chest.

He doesn't look at Hakyeon when he rolls his eyes. “It's just friends, hyung.”

“You know you can tell us if you're seeing someone, right?”

“Yes, mom, I'm not twelve.”

“Hey,” Hakyeon snaps, hitting his shoulder, but Sanghyuk knows there isn't any actual anger behind his tone.

Sanghyuk responds with an impish grin that he's sure doesn't reach his eyes.

* * *

_ [2:07 AM] _

sanghyuk >> braincell

sanghyuk: hey

sanghyuk: u up?

braincell: It's two am of course Im up

sanghyuk: haha

sanghyuk: did i disturb u??

braincell: Nope

braincell: Is something wrong

braincell: Youre not here to wax poetry

sanghyuk: lmao

sanghyuk: you can tell?

braincell: Eh well

braincell: Enough about me what's up 

sanghyuk: its not even a big deal

sanghyuk: it's just

sanghyuk: why isnt life fair?

sanghyuk: it su cks so bad and i htae ths what di d i do to desrvethis?

sanghyuk: ohgods typis

braincell: Did something happen?

braincell: You can vent

braincell: If you want

sanghyuk: yh oksy

sanghyuk: so he was like “you know you can tell me if youre seeing someone” and it's just i would if i could

sanghyuk: hell i WISH i could it hurts so b ad

sanghyuk: but at the same time i wjsh o coudknt bc i cnat imsgne not lovidng him???

sanghyuk: idk it's jst so funnt tonme

sanghyuk: bc it's not like i can just waltz right up to him and say, hey, haha, remember when you told me I could tell you about whoever it is I'm seeing? turns out I can't, because I am completely, undeniably, irrevocably in love with you!!

sanghyuk: thank fuck fir autocorrecr

sanghyuk: wait

braincell: Sounds like a pretty big deal to me

braincell: Life isn't fair especially for people like us and I'm sorry you had to go through that and if I could I'd suck up all your heartaches in an instant

braincell: Listen I'm not as good at words but yeah.

braincell: You deserve so much

sanghyuk: omg you have a heart

braincell: I had one for breakfast, yes

sanghyuk: and ur back

sanghyuk: lmao

sanghyuk: anyways. thanks for listening. i mean it.

braincell: Anytime :)

* * *

Sanghyuk's been feeling strange all day.

It's weird, because by all means he should be having a good day. He had a good night’s sleep, so that's probably part of the equation. His Lit teacherㅡ a mind-numbingly boring man who got on everyone in the class’ nerves and always made Sanghyuk at least either sleepy or frustratedㅡ hadn't been around. He'd left them with a quick worksheet because he thought of the class as juvenile and stupid, and though Sanghyuk didn't like being treated like a stupid child the worksheet had at least been easy and left him with time to text Ravi and Bean.

The irony isn't lost on him. 

By the time practice comes, Sanghyuk is a jittery mess of nerves. He stumbles a lot while he does the routines. He can feel the others sending him dirty looks, can hear the way they're huffing under their breaths and whispering amongst themselves.

He messes up his own routine as well, huffing frustratedly under his breath as he repeats it again and again and againㅡ

Sanghyuk's dance teacher asks him to stay after practice he isn't sure if he's supposed to feel dread or anticipation. He watches the others filter out of the studio, throwing waves and muttering weak goodbyes, shifting his weight from one foot to another.

“Sanghyuk!” Ms Park calls when they're alone, and Sanghyuk swallows the anxiety down and smiles at her, walking closer.

“You asked me to stay?”

Ms Park is pursing her lips. “Are you okay? You've been off all afternoon.”

Sanghyuk winces. He twists the hem of his shirt around his fingers. “I'm fine. Just feeling a little weird today.”

“The recital's soon,” Ms Park tells him, voice stern and expression hard. “You can't afford to start losing your cool.”

Sanghyuk nods, shame burning his cheeks. He keeps his eyes down.

“Of course.”

He hears her sigh.

“Go get some rest, okay?” she tells him, her eyes softening. It reminds him of Hakyeon, and the familiar comfort that Hakyeon's presence gives washes over him and soothes a little of his nerves. “I know how hard you've been practicing. Don't push yourself too hard.”

“Yes ma'am,” he says. She pats his shoulder.

Sanghyuk still can't shake off the strange sensation that's been clinging to him all day, even when he's walking home. Something inside of him is telling him to  _ hurry up hurry up hurry up _ so he does, hands in his pockets, on the brink of breaking out into a sprint.

He ducks into a convenience store on the way, more to distract himself than anything. He mindlessly puts things in the cartㅡ ice cream and soda and banana milk, and a few packs of instant ramyeon. As he waits in line to pay, one heel rapidly tapping against the tiles, he whips out his phone to send a text.

**_we still on for movie night?_ **

**_bought stuff._ **

Hakyeon doesn't reply right away. Something about it unnerves him even more, but he forces himself to ignore it.

By the time he gets home it's half past eight. Hakyeon still hasn't replied.

He opens the door he sees that the lights are out. Sanghyuk's frown deepens. The feeling in his gut worsens, and it feels like dread. Sanghyuk swallows. He keeps his steps slow and faint, placing the grocery bags on the kitchen table, trying to think past the unease itching under his skin.

“Hakyeon-hyung,” he calls, voice cutting through the terse, unusual quiet of the apartment. “Hakyeon-hyung. Are you home?”

Only the deafening silence answers.

“Hakyeon-hyung?”

Sanghyuk purses his lips. He strains earsㅡ he can hear choked up sobs, coming from Hakyeon's roomㅡ Sanghyuk feels his stomach drop.

He knocks gently on Hakyeon's door and then goes inside, and his heart wrenches at the sight of Hakyeon. He's on the bed, hair mussed up like a crow's nest, hugging his folded legs with his knees pressed to his chest.

Hakyeon is tall and broad. Hakyeon has always been strong, unbeatable, unreachable. Sanghyuk's never seen him this vulnerable, not really, even when Hakyeon wears his heart on his sleeve nearly all of the time.

But now he's justㅡ

Small. Fragile.

_ Hakyeon _ and  _ small _ and  _ fragile _ ? It's the biggest oxymoron Sanghyuk has ever heard. Maybe that's why the sight of him, hugging his knees to his chest and choking down sobs, makes it feel like Sanghyuk's heart is being clawed into.

“H-Hey, Hyukkie.” Hakyeon smiles. It's weak and it doesn't reach his eyes and he sounds like he's gasping for breath. “Don't look. I'm not very attractive today.”

Sanghyuk rolls his eyes. He's taking slow steps, sitting down at the edge of the bed. “You're never attractive.”

He'd said it as a weak attempt to lighten up the mood, but then he sees the way Hakyeon winces and looks away, and Sanghyuk's face twists and panic starts to flare in his veins. “No, fuck, sorry, that was bad timingㅡ I didn't meanㅡ”

“It's fine.”

Hakyeon says it with a heavy sigh. He's a mess, all tear tracks and bangs clinging to his forehead and bloodshot eyes. He looks very, very tired. Sanghyuk doesn't say anything.

“It's pathetic, isn't it?” Hakyeon murmurs. Sanghyuk snaps his head to look at him, but Hakyeon is still facing away and staring at the wall. “Sorry you have to see me like this.”

Sanghyuk throws caution to the wind. He reaches forward and takes Hakyeon's hand, and when Hakyeon turns to look at him with appreciation in his glassy eyes Sanghyuk can only offer him a shaky smile.

“It's okay to not be okay, right?” Sanghyuk says, squeezing Hakyeon's hand. “You're the one who told me that.”

Hakyeon squeezes his hand back. “Get over here.”

So Sanghyuk scoots closer. It's instinctive, the way he lets his arms wrap around Hakyeon's trembling frame. Neither of them talk for a while.

“I-Its just…” Hakyeon finally starts, biting his lip. “Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I hate it.”

Sanghyuk keeps his mouth shut.

“Sometimes I'm scared of talking, because I think I talk too much, annoy people. Annoy you and Jaehwanie.”

“That's stupid,” Sanghyuk protests, because he can't help himself. “Annoy  _ Jaehwan-hyung _ ? The most annoying person alive?”

Hakyeon laughs. It's a choked up, ugly sound that makes Sanghyuk's heart ache, but it's genuine. “Don't be mean.”

It's quiet again.

“Sometimes I think I might be a mistake,” Hakyeon murmurs, his voice small, but the words echo loud and clear in the deafening silence like they'd been shouted from the rooftops.

Sanghyuk's hold around Hakyeon tightens.

“You're not.”

Hakyeon isㅡ amazing. He's genuine and kind and intelligent and sensitive. He isn't perfect, but he does his best, and is truly a good person, and Sanghyuk thinks that's all that matters.

Hakyeon isn't a mistake, he thinks. 

Hakyeon is a blessing.

“You are not,” Sanghyuk repeats, firmer this time, and maybe that's when the dam breaks, because Hakyeon is burying his face in Sanghyuk's chest and sobbing, and Sanghyuk can feel his sweater getting a little damp.

He keeps Hakyeon there in his hold, waits for him even when his arms are falling asleep and his legs are starting to ache. Even when his sweater feels gross against his skin. He just holds him, not moving even when the sobbing has already started to slow.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Sanghyuk asks, his voice the only sound in the room besides their breathing and Hakyeon's occasional hiccups.

“I think,” Hakyeon says, a little breathy. “I think I'd rather stay here.”

“Okay.”

* * *

“You're going to the recital, right?”

Sanghyuk holds up three tickets trapped between his index and middle fingers as he asks, on the Saturday exactly a week before his revival.

Hakyeon looks up from the presentation he's typing on his laptopㅡ it's for Philosophy. Sanghyuk knows this because he'd helped Hakyeon with a little of the research last night. Well. He'd attempted to help, and he's sure he came off as more of a nuisance than anything, but Hakyeon's smile and words of thanks had still been genuine when they’d wrapped up at around two in the morning and he'd put a gentle hand on Sanghyuk's arm and said, “You're a blessing.”

“Of course we are,” Hakyeon says, crossing his arms over his chest and sounding mildly offended. He closes his laptop and pushes it aside. “We wouldn't dream of not coming.”

Jaehwan, digging something out from the fridge, only yells out something that sounds like an agreement. Sanghyuk can feel his face flush. “Just wanted to make sure. Damn.” He presses one ticket into Hakyeon's palm. The contact sends pleasant shocks jolting up his arm and Sanghyuk tries not to let the touch linger for too long.

“Thanks,” says Hakyeon, and it's silly, because it's a single word that's a single syllable long, but the softness in his voice as he says it makes Sanghyuk's heart sing.

* * *

Saturday seems to take forever to arrive, yet arrives too quickly at the same time. He'd spent the past week practicing vigorously, even as Hakyeon tells him to calm down a little. Sanghyuk can even hear his voice in his head, telling him  _ your muscles are going to collapse into themselves before the actual date if you don't slow the fuck down.  _

Hakyeon had even stopped by a couple of times, always bearing snacks. “Show me your routine?” he'd asked more than once. 

“It's a surprise,” Sanghyuk had told him.

“Well then. I'm prepared to be blown away.”

And before Sanghyuk knows it he's already backstage, shuddering with the nerves coursing throughout his body. He paces his dressing room and wrings his wrists and listens to the music he'll be dancing to, over and over and over again.

It's not long before someone's poking their head into his small dressing space. “You're up in five.”

“Alright,” Sanghyuk says absently, and then looks at himself in the mirror. He breathes in and shakes his head as if trying to relieve himself of the anxieties latching themselves on his nerves, before stepping out to wait by the stage.

The announcer calls for his name and Sanghyuk walks onstage.

His heart thumps wildly in his chest when he's face to face with hundreds of faceless people, all their eyes on him and him alone. He searches the crowd for Hakyeon and Jaehwan, and seeing them eases the wild flailing of his chest by a fraction. 

The music starts. 

Sanghyuk closes his eyes and loses himself in it.

He lets the terror melt away, lets the music hold him, gather him into its arms and shape him into whatever it wants him to be. His head is a record on loop playing a mantra of  _ dance, dance, dance you're a fucking performer  _ andㅡ

And the music had stopped and the people are clapping and Jaehwan and Hakyeon look like they're on the verge of standing up, clapping like their lives depended on it, and Sanghyuk can feel his heart soar.

It's well past midnight when the program ends, and he meets with Jaehwan and Hakyeon outside the auditorium. Jaehwan gets to him first, pulling him into a crushing hug. “You were so  _ great _ !”

“Thanks, hyung.” Sanghyuk squeezed him back, just as tight. Jaehwan pulls back and wipes an invisible tear from the corner of his eye. 

“They grow up so fast.”

Sanghyuk laughs, blood buzzing with a pleasant sort of adrenaline. He looks over Jaehwan's shoulder, sees Hakyeon there with nothing but pride shining in his eyes. 

“So did I live up to your expectations?” he asks. 

Hakyeon's arms are around him almost immediately. “You were incredible.”

“Yeah?”

Sanghyuk lets himself hug back, lets himself burrow his face into Hakyeon's shoulder. It's warm and Hakyeon smells nice and the post-show euphoria is leaving him a little reckless.

“Yes.” Hakyeon pulls back. Sanghyuk wants to hug him again, but he still has s little self restraint, so he doesn't. “You've come so far. God. Do you know how proud I am?”

Something swells in Sanghyuk's chest. He feels close to tears. He blinks them away. “Well,” he says, and his voice teeters on the edge of breaking, “I don't know about you two, but I'm fucking starving.”

“There's a diner nearby,” Hakyeon says. “The three of us can catch dinner there.”

Hakyeon looks at Sanghyuk and Sanghyuk nearly swoons, but he gathers himself up enough to nod in response. They both turn to Jaehwan. He looks sheepish, hand on the back of his neck. 

“Sorry guys,” he says, pursing his lips. “We have a big exhibit coming up.” He looks at Sanghyuk, as if asking if he'll be okay, and Sanghyuk only shrugs.

“Just the two of us then?” Hakyeon looks at Sanghyuk. Sanghyuk can feel something inside his ribs flutter.

“Guess so,” Sanghyuk says around the heart shaped lump in his throat.

There's easy conversation on the way to the diner. The evening glow that bounces off Hakyeon's skin makes him look ethereal, and Sanghyuk can't help but stare at Hakyeon. At some point Hakyeon laughs, says, “Take a picture, Hyukkie, it'll last longer.”

And Sanghyuk's cheeks had felt like they'd caught fire.

“As if I'd want a picture of you,” Sanghyuk retorts, trying not to sputter.

Barely any people are in the diner when they get there. It's a cozy space. Homey. Comfortable. It's all light shadesㅡ and even if Sanghyuk can't really judge the aesthetic he's sure it beautifulㅡ vintage decorations hanging off the walls, seats cushioned and soft. He and Hakyeon take a spot by the glass walls, laughing and bantering as they pore over the menu choices.

And Sanghyuk leans against the wall, schooling his face into a bored stare as he looks at Hakyeon trying to decide what to order. He's still talking, but Sanghyuk's too busy just listening to and appreciation his voice to really process the words.

It really isn't fair, Sanghyuk thinks. He pursued his lips together, and suddenly the heartache comes crashing back and he needs to be somewhere else he can't cry here he won'tㅡ

“ㅡOkay?”

Sanghyuk blinks. “Sorry, hyung, what?”

Hakyeon frowns. “Lost you for a moment there. You okay?”

“I'm fine,” he says. Hakyeon's looking at him dubiously, and Sanghyuk can still feel the faint high from his performance earlier, the giddiness, the recklessness.

“Hakyeon,” he says. “I have to tell you something.”

His heart is thundering in his chest.

Hakyeon raises his eyebrows. Sanghyuk thinks,  _ fuck it _ , tamping down the fear slowly rising up from his guts, taking a deep breath so that he has the air to speak the words that are forming in his lungs.

“Hakyeon, Iㅡ”

“Hi, I'm Taekwoon, I'll be your waiter?”

The voice that interrupts them is soft and smooth, and Sanghyuk's heart stops pumping blood right then and there. He's not sure if he's grateful or annoyed.

“Hold on, Hyukkie,” Hakyeon says, soothing smile in place. Sanghyuk nods dumbly. He watches as Hakyeon tells the waiter what they'd decided on, watches as he turns his head to face the waiter with a polite smile, watchesㅡ

Watches as Hakyeon freezes, smile slipping off of his face, when his and the waiter eyes meet.

Sanghyuk can tell from the way Hakyeon breathes in, sharp and quick.

He can tell from the way Hakyeon's eyes go wide. Can tell from the way his cheeks darken. The way the smile comes back, less polite polite this time. It's almost shy.

He can tell from the way the waiter's staring back with the same pleased look of surprise on his face, in his eyes. Sanghyuk hates it, can't help but loathe it, because this stranger, this Taekwoon, won't ever understand anything about Hakyeon but he gets to be and it isn't  _ fair _ .

It isn't fair how Sanghyuk has spent so long pining and hurting and loving and it isn't fair how some random guy in a diner on what was supposed to be Sanghyuk's day is enough to pull everything apart.

But the thing about life is that it isn't ever fair and the thing about Sanghyuk's life is that he doesn't ever get what he wishes for.

And the man has high cheekbones and narrow eyes and he's so fucking beautiful and Sanghyuk knows he'll never compare, that he and Hakyeon won't everㅡ

Sanghyuk, distantly, wonders if this is how it feels to have the world crash and burn around you.

Suddenly he can't look, can't feel anything but the way his blood runs cold and his brain is telling him to run run run and his lungs empty out. He hears himself say, “I should goㅡ” past the ringing in his ears and he's not sure Hakyeon even hears it, because then he's running, bumping into tables and stumbling out of the diner.

Sanghyuk runs, runs even when his thighs start to cramp and the soles of his feet start to sing. He doesn't know how long he does, doesn't register anything over the blur of tears glazing his eyes and the blood rushing in his ears.

Hakyeon flashes before his eyesㅡ Hakyeon's laugh and Hakyeon's smile and Hakyeon's ever-present touch. Hakyeon's stupid nagging and silly jokes and the way he'd talked about finding soulmates, how he'd gasped breathlessly as he thought about how it must feel, the look on his face when he'd met Taekwoon's eyesㅡ

He runs until his legs give out, and he finds that he's in the middle of the road, on his knees, his heart hurting like someone's dug their hands through his chest and squeezed the beating organ beneath their crushing fingers until it had burst in a splatter of blood and gore.

The streets are near deserted. It is two in the morning, and Sanghyuk screams into the silent abyss of nighttime Seoul.

He screams until his voice goes hoarse, then he sobs until his chest hurts too much to even breathe, and then he sits there silently letting the hot wet droplets trail down his cheeks until he's out of tears to cry.

He doesn't hear the car horns blaring, doesn't see the glare of headlights rapidly zooming towards him, doesn't realize until it's seconds away and oh God he's going to die he's going to die andㅡ

And someone's pulling him back to his shaking feet with such force that Sanghyuk stumbles; someone's saying, “Are you okay, you need to break down somewhere that isn't the middle of the road.”

Sanghyuk turns, and he's greeted with a face he's seen in blog posts and Instagram selcas. He can't mistake the wide doe eyes, the dimple on his cheek as he frowns, the mess of curls tied into a bun high on his headㅡ

And when Sanghyuk meets those eyes the world explodes into color.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments would be cool!!! stay safe n hydrated everyone <3!!


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